Which Disney Princess Are You?

Written by Bryce

This is exactly how messed up you are…

The article you see below is one I hold very dear to my heart. You see, in 9th grade I was “Cinderella” when my group of friends decided to go as a gaggle of Disney princesses for Halloween 1998. What I realize now is that I’m a demon conjuring lunatic. Read on:

We all watched the old school Disney movies when we were young (remember back when they were actually good?), and we all related on at least one or two levels to one of the princesses. You know, in your heart of hearts, which Disney princess you are and I think its high time you understood that, granted yourself the serenity to accept the things you cannot change, and started acting like the bitch you always wanted to be.

If you need help, refer to this handy guide:

Snow White: No offense, but you are a whore. People probably always try and hurt you with silly things like poison fruit, but shacking up with 7 men to protect you probably isn’t the best thing for your reputation. It is written in the bible that if a man provides shelter for a women she owes him at least 2-3 anal penetrations per week. My suggestion: take a self-defense class, buy a tazer, and the next time someone tries to shove fruit down your throat electrocute their asses until they pee out of their mouth. That is, unless it’s a cute guy and the fruit is a banana.

Belle: You like hairy men—I get it. But frankly saying that you want more than a provincial life and then moving a few towns over to a dank old castle isn’t really helping the problem. Your issue is that you don’t know what you really want. My suggestion is to pack up your friends (teacup,candlestick, clock) and go on a Crossroads style adventure around the country a la Britney Spears. You are only young once, and trust me- no matter how old you get you will still be able to bag a big hairy bear daddy. So have fun while you are still young.

Ariel: You need to raise your standards. All a guy has to have to get up in your conch shell is a pair of feet? Maybe its because you were born under the ocean where there just isn’t much competition (and that’s a scientific fact because if there were a bunch of mer-people out there we would have discovered them by now) but the world is full of plenty of guys who can offer you much more than a nasty case of athletes foot. I think you need to date around a little more.

Jasmine: You are a lesbian. The sooner you realize that the better off you will be.

Sleeping Beauty: Frankly, you are a lazy bitch. Stop laying around and waiting for a guy to come around and kiss your asshole and get out into the world. You need to be more proactive if you really want to find a good man just like that bitch

Cinderella: Who conjured a fucking demon in order to secure a pair of fierce shoes because she wanted to go after a prince. To all you Cinderellas out there, I respect your tenacity and gusto, but I worry about your soul.

Tinkerbell: You are not a princess. You aren’t even a main character. Fuck off.

Alice: You need to stop smoking so much weed. I understand that you are a dreamer and want to spend your life in the clouds but wake the fuck up! Substance abuse is a real problem in our culture. I am 100 % for experimenting and doing things in moderation but if you can’t deal with reality and need to spend your days fucked out of your mind then there is a big problem here. There is a reason you never found a man in Wonderland. Because Wonderland doesn’t fucking exist. So lets just lay off the mixing of the meds, okay?

[ via gloganvlog ]

About the author


Bryce Gruber is a Manhattanite mom who can be found jet-setting off to every corner of the globe. She loves exotic places, planes with WiFi, summer clothes, & Sucre brown butter truffles. Bryce's aim is to do to luxury what Elton John did to being gay. Follow her on twitter @brycegruber


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