XOJane, take a field trip to Planned Parenthood and LEARN SOMETHING

Friends, I come to you today with a heavy heart. Fellow blogger Cat Marnell of XOJane has published a seriously *heinous* account of her experience with contraceptives – which is essentially that she does not know how to use them. Marnell relies on Plan B alone to ward off pregnancy.

Why? Where to begin. Well…

The pull out method won’t work because “I always instruct someone to do it the dangerous way;”

The pill will “make me fat; they will make me “spot” (another thing I squeamishly just DON’T LIKE TALKING ABOUT; don’t worry, though, everyone else who works here does); they will give me acne; and quite frankly, they will NOT prevent me from getting pregnant!” (She knows, because she got pregnant on them.)(By the way – “No, I didn’t take my pills right…”)

The shot… from Cat’s POV, is exactly the same as the pill (SPOILER ALERT: it’s not)

What say she about condoms? “Nope! As if. I don’t know. I don’t sleep with that many people and so I just don’t do condoms!” (OMG WUT)

Abortion? She’s had a few of those, which she hates, because it’s like murder (I’M NOT JOKING SOMEONE ACTUALLY SAID THAT ON THE INTERNET)

In between “blowing my trust fund on cocaine and champagne at all of the best clubs,” she found time to use a Diaphragm. A couple of times. When she wasn’t too wasted to remember.

So Plan B it is! Whenever she’s finished playing Russian Roulette with someone’s sperm, she just heads out to the local pharm and picks up some Plan B. Or maybe she picks them up in bulk? I can imagine they’re cheaper that way. $50 a pop, that adds up. I hope she’s at least enrolled in some sort of miles program.

Honey. HONEY. HO-NEY. Listen, you’re an adult. If you want to be completely ignorant about your sexual health, go for it. PLAN B IT UP. But don’t write a post on a somewhat visible website read by other young woman who are all, “Omigod, don’t wanna get fat and pimply (birth control alleviates acne, btdubbs) – better stick to the morning after pill!”

Here are some reasons why:

• You’re a writer, correct? I assume that means you know how to read. READ THE PACKAGE PLAN B COMES IN. It is not meant to replace birth control. It is not as effective as regular birth control (of course, you have to take birth control correctly and not like, whenever you feel like it, whatever, duh). It’s meant to be a back up, not the whole kit and caboodle.
• Of all the methods you mentioned, only one of them is capable of preventing STDs (one you don’t use!). And not even that is 100% effective. I’m assuming your relationship with the gynecologist is nonexistent, otherwise you’d probably know better than to rely on Plan B as a contraceptive. You said you’ve never had an STD but like, did you actually go see a doctor? Or did you take a peek in the mirror real quick? Did you buy one of those at-home UTI tests they carry in Duane Reade and figure you were covered from here on out? Plenty of STDs know how to lie low. Go to the doctor and for chrissake, get a blood test.
• All those hormonal changes you wanted to avoid by abstaining from the pill? They’re the same hormones in Plan B, MULTIPLIED. Are you fat, spotting, and broken out yet?

Woman, respect yourself and your body. And if not, respect your readers. Don’t feed them a bunch of bullshit about your voodoo science birth control techniques like they make sense. Any woman who’s spent five minutes learning about sexual health knows they don’t.