Yes Homo.

A few hours ago, President Obama signed into law The Domestic Partnership Benefits and Obligations Act. The act allows homosexual federal employees to extend their benefits to their domestic partner. The federal government is the nation’s largest civilian employer, but up until today, the cushy government benefits were reserved for the straights only. If I’m going to be subjected to random drug testing, you best believe I want bomb-ass benefits for me AND my wifey. Is there any other reason why someone would sell out and work for the man besides keys to the city and free MetroCards and dental insurance or whatever else kind of exotic benefits government workers get? I didn’t think so.

Meanwhile, most Fortune 500 companies already adjusted their benefits policies to include domestic partnerships, so the feds are kinda late to this party. And not fashionably late, either. We’re talking obnoxious, sorry-I-didn’t-call-and-say-I-was-gunna-be-late, hope-you’re-not-mad, oh-you-are-mad? Okay-well-you’re-about-to-go-from-mad-to-straight-up-pissed-when-I-spill-this-red-wine-on-your-white-carpet-because-that’s-how-inconsiderate-I-am Late. Definitely not fashionable. Did you see where I was going with that, though? Isn’t it always the same asshole that shows up late somewhere and then proceeds to get too drunk, break things, and leave vom in your bathroom? Who the fuck raised you? FUCK.

Apparently, the gay community is sort of hot and cold towards this latest attempt at fair-weather equality. More on the cold side, though. Like lukewarm. They are mad that President Obama showed up hours late with NO bread and butter gift and then gave a hassle about taking his shoes off at the door. What that actually means is that while the signing of this act is a step in the right direction, it’s still not very equal, is it? At the same time, the gay community does recognize that there’s a lot of other shit going on right now. Stuff like pirates, flu epidemics, fighting a multi-front war with a pretty vague idea of who we’re actually fighting, an economic meltdown, MC Hammer having his own reality show, the list goes on. So they’ll be patient, but they don’t want to be put on the backburner, either.

Here is my suggestion. Let the LGBT community get married, and let them be recognized, under law, as a married couple should they so choose to call themselves that! Are we kidding here? The fact that this is an issue makes me feel like I should be writing this on papyrus and riding a horse (bareback) to get home to my plantation where my four year old kid is dirty and barefoot, churning butter for my dinner party with Descartes. WHAT YEAR ARE WE IN?

My feelings lean towards extreme, but let me explain why. First of all, it’s an issue of basic civil rights. Straight up. That isn’t negotiable. What REALLY gets me though, is this “sanctity of marriage” bullshit. Seriously? 50% of the marriages in this country end in divorce. If you want to protect the sanctity of marriage, maybe you should start  with the people who get married after dating for a few weeks, or the people who marry for greencards, or whoever is married to Hugh Hefner this week, or the late Anna Nicole Smith, or, simply enough, people who cheat on their spouses. Oh, that’s right. Because it’s okay to be greedy, stupid, immature, or selfish when it comes to marriage– as long as your straight! No worries, straight people! Marry, divorce, and re-marry all you want! Cheat! Marry someone you don’t love! Because shit like that doesn’t cheapen and bastardize the institution of marriage what-so-ever.

So, if you look at the numbers, the history, and any other evidence you can conceive of– is it the gay population who has completely made a mockery of marriage in the minuscule amount of time they’ve been allowed to wed? Or was marriage ruined long ago by a few straight, overzealous assholes? Oh.