A few hours ago, President Obama signed into law The Domestic Partnership Benefits and Obligations Act. The actÂ allows homosexual federal employees to extend their benefits to their domestic partner. The federal government is the nation’s largest civilian employer, but up until today, theÂ cushyÂ governmentÂ benefits were reserved for the straights only. If I’m going toÂ be subjected to randomÂ drug testing, you bestÂ believe IÂ wantÂ bomb-ass benefits for meÂ AND my wifey.Â Is there any other reason why someone would sell out and work for the man besides keys to the city and free MetroCards and dental insurance or whatever elseÂ kind ofÂ exotic benefits government workers get? I didn’t think so.
Meanwhile, most Fortune 500 companies already adjusted theirÂ benefits policies to include domestic partnerships, so the feds are kinda late to this party. And not fashionably late, either.Â We’re talking obnoxious, sorry-I-didn’t-call-and-say-I-was-gunna-be-late, hope-you’re-not-mad, oh-you-are-mad? Okay-well-you’re-about-to-go-from-mad-to-straight-up-pissed-when-I-spill-this-red-wine-on-your-white-carpet-because-that’s-how-inconsiderate-I-am Late. Definitely not fashionable. Did you see where I was going with that, though? Isn’t it always the same asshole that shows up late somewhere and then proceeds to get too drunk, break things, and leave vom in your bathroom? Who the fuck raised you? FUCK.
Apparently, the gay community is sort of hot and cold towards this latest attempt at fair-weather equality. More on the cold side, though. Like lukewarm. They are mad that President Obama showed up hoursÂ late with NO bread and butter gift and then gave a hassle about taking his shoes off at the door. What that actually means is that while the signing of this actÂ is a step in the right direction, it’s still not very equal, is it? At the same time, the gay communityÂ does recognize that there’s a lot of other shit going on right now. Stuff like pirates, flu epidemics, fighting aÂ multi-front war with a pretty vague idea of who we’re actually fighting, an economic meltdown, MC Hammer having his own reality show, the list goes on. So they’ll be patient, but they don’t want to be put on the backburner, either.
Here is my suggestion. Let the LGBT community get married, and let them be recognized, under law, as a married couple should they soÂ choose to callÂ themselves that! Are we kidding here? The fact that this is an issue makes me feel likeÂ I shouldÂ be writing this on papyrus and riding a horse (bareback) to get home to my plantation where my four year old kid is dirty andÂ barefoot, churning butter for my dinner party with Descartes. WHAT YEAR ARE WE IN?
My feelings lean towards extreme, but let me explain why. First of all, it’s an issue of basic civil rights. Straight up. That isn’t negotiable. What REALLY gets me though,Â is this “sanctity of marriage” bullshit. Seriously? 50%Â of the marriages in this country end in divorce. If you want to protect the sanctity of marriage, maybe you should start Â with the people who get married after dating for a few weeks, or the people who marry for greencards, orÂ whoeverÂ is married to Hugh Hefner this week, orÂ the late Anna Nicole Smith, or, simply enough, people who cheat on their spouses. Oh, that’s right. BecauseÂ it’s okay to be greedy, stupid, immature,Â or selfish when it comes to marriage– as long as your straight! No worries, straight people! Marry, divorce, and re-marry all you want! Cheat! Marry someone you don’t love! Because shit like that doesn’tÂ cheapen and bastardizeÂ the institution of marriage what-so-ever.
So, if you look at the numbers, the history,Â and any other evidence you can conceive of– is it the gay population who has completely made a mockery of marriage in the minuscule amount of time they’ve been allowed to wed? Or was marriage ruined long ago by a few straight, overzealous assholes? Oh.