5 Foods to Avoid for a Better Tasting Crotch

Written by Bryce

If you’re in a good relationship, or hoping to be in one, oral sex is probably on the table as an option.  And no one likes a bad tasting crotch. What makes a crotch taste funky? Well, consider the concept of asparagus pee. It’s the same, only more sexual and crotchtastic.


Coffee. Although it may perk you up in the morning, coffee is known to stink up pee as well as vaginal and seminal fluids.  We recommend switching to green tea for your morning perk.  Green leaves have chlorophyll which is known to help cleanse the body and freshen breath, an added perk.

Asparagus. We’ve all experienced asparagus-pee at one point or another. Be very, very wary.  The whole region will end up being a constant, bitter-smelling reminder of that asparagus & sashimi salad you opted for on your romantic date.

Salmon. Experts like to use the phrase, “The vagina is a replica of a woman’s mouth,” and for good reason. In several books and articles on oral sex, experts explicitly warn against the dangers of a diet high in seafood within 48 hours of anticipated oral sex.  We love seafood, and it’s healthy… it’s just not ideal for a couple days leading up to a big date.  Men, good news, looks like your schlongs aren’t affected by fish.

Dairy. Just like when mom told you to avoid dairy to get over your nasty cold, the same principle rings true.  Dairy consumption encourages mucous production… and not the sexy kind.

Cigarettes. I know they’re not a food, but they go in your mouth and end up circulating around your body.  The toxins, tar, and smoke actually DO end up making their way through your bodily fluids.  All of them.  So you probably shouldn’t lie about quitting, either.  There’s a good chance your boyfriend will double-check your honesty by taking a taste of your hoo-ha.

And, if you want to make semen taste like apple pie… check this out.

About the author


Bryce Gruber is a Manhattanite mom who can be found jet-setting off to every corner of the globe. She loves exotic places, planes with WiFi, summer clothes, & Sucre brown butter truffles. Bryce's aim is to do to luxury what Elton John did to being gay. Follow her on twitter @brycegruber


Leave a Comment