Unicorn Sex 101
Every wish your sex life was a little more magical? Ever thought: “Horse sex really turns me on, but I can’t admit that without sounding like a freak.” I have the answer to all your wishes, and more. I hereby formally proclaim Unicorn Sex a thing. Here is how to implement it into your sexual repertoire:
1. Get a strap on, preferably in an iridescent finish or pastel color. Have your man ghetto-rig the straps so that it fits on his forehead. Then, have him cross the room and charge head-first towards you meowing like a Unicorn. Yes, they meow. You didn’t know?
2. Have your gentleman friend kneel on all fours. Then, position yourself under him like you are milking a cow and give him a world-class blowie. After, when your face is sufficiently painted sprinkle glitter on it (to create unicorn tears) like an 8 year old working on their poster campaign for class president.
3. Do it doggie style. In the woods near a fallen, hollowed out tree. With a saddle.
4. Start off by putting on the movie Legend, and masturbating together on the couch. Then, to warm up put on Ke$ha’s Blow video. For the finale, present him with a unicorn mask you bought at a novelty store and let him hit it from behind. Use a sparkly condom (do you know how hard it is on a vagina to push out a unicorn baby?).
5. Give him a head-start to roam naked through your kingdom (your shitty walk-up apartment in the Lower East). Then, hunt him down, and tame him with your whip. Then, mount him. (Yes, I am talking about you sticking a glittery dildo up his ass, then chopping his head off and hanging it above your mantle).
Add a little fantasy to your sex life. Try Unicorn Sex tonight.
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