I’m a huge proponent of changing up your sexing style. In my personal collection of theories lies one about the different categories of sex – three to be exact – which include “Making Love” (ehh), “Sex” (generally fun), and “F*cking” (whoop!). One might not be sure about the differences between the three, so let me break it down:
Usher makes love in clubs. This probably includes caressing of the face, some kissing, and excessive use of the word “baby.”
Jeremiah has birthday sex. This probably includes sex on stoves and tables, and some hitting of the G-spot.
Trent Reznor f*cks like an animal. This probably includes violating, desecrating, penetrating (duh), and complicating. And a lot of feeling from the inside.
Now that we’ve figured all that out, I’ll tell you that lately, I’ve been craving the latter: a nice, long, hard romp that has me panting, sweating, and maybe a little bruised. Even more than that, I long to be owned. Tie me, push me, thrust at me – whatever you do, show me who’s boss, and make it clear. But how does one go about setting the tone for a rough romp?
1) Wear sexy lingerie or fishnets. Choose wisely, though. Not just any lingerie will get him riled up enough to bang bang bang you like a rabbit. (My recommendations? DKNY’s Fishnet Tights and Hanky Panky’s new Low-Rise Thong)
Ooo Laa Laa
2) Scream/whisper/moan “f*ck me” and he’s likely to respond with greatly increased force and intensity. You’re the matador, he’s the bull. Instigate him, and expect a good ramming.
3) Have plenty of lube handy to keep the juices flowing.
Luckily, I’ve discovered three handy products that would be of great assistance with each of these tips:
For lingerie: Soak Modern Care for Fine Fibers
Scentless Lingerie Wash by Soak
If you’re going to rock the lingerie, you better make sure that sh*t’s right! No one likes stinky or lube-stained unmentionables, so be sure to grab a bottle of this scentless, dye-free wash for after your dirty deeds. It’s ultra fabric-friendly and great for those who are sensitive to strong detergents and soaps.
For Bull-Like Ramming that May Result in Rugburns: Omyst Healing Herbal First Aid Spray
Omyst Healing Herbal First Aid Spray, $20.00
This all-natural spray is made from calendula, yarrow, plantain and wild roses in alcohol, which offer anti-inflammatory, antibacterial, astringent and rejuvenating benefits, respectively. I’ve decided this makes an excellent treatment for injuries unrelated to sex, also – perfect for bee stings, dinosaur bites, and scratches resulting from cat fights.
For Lubin’ Up: Astroglide Natural
Astroglide Natural, available at drugstores nationwide
There is nothing more annoying than when lube manufacturers get all inconsiderate, thinking that I would just put any ol’ chemical all up in my bits, which is why I truly appreciate Astroglide’s new “green” personal lubricant. Its ingredients include Aloe Vera, Vitamin C & E, and Chamomile Flower Extracts, and it’s latex safe, water-based and -soluble… which translates into ultimate genital-friendliness!
So that’s that. I must now tend to some animalistic instincts (and I encourage you all to do the same)!
