It’s no secret that breakups aren’t easy. In fact, I will go so far as to say that breakups are a bitch. Here are seven tips and tricks on how to deal with your failed relationship.
Don’t even bother to try and stay friends.
You can’t immediately jump into a friendship with someone who has constantly been inside you for the past 2 years (whether physically or emotionally). Most of the time the people we date aren’t people we would have been friends with in the first place, which is why we didn’t friend-zone their asses to begin with. If you think you want to stay friends, its only because you know you will miss having them in your life- but that can only happen after you are completely (and I mean COMPLETELY) over them.
Ex sex is out of the question.
Ex sex can be the best sex, because for once you aren’t taking his penis for granted. Chances are you have both been working out, and ex sex may create a burst of renewed interest. The problem with ex sex is that the interest doesn’t last, and often the more emotionally vulnerable one will trick the other into getting back together, only to have the old problems arise again. Sexing your ex for revenge doesn’t work either, because you either end up feeling guilty that you hurt them, or emotionally drained because they went bat-shit on you when they found out you just wanted to get a piece. So keep it in your pants. That includes both penises and vaginas.
Get rid of the evidence. Immediately.
Your entire life is probably littered with keepsakes from your time together. Throw everything that remind you of them into a box (or a dropbox, since chances are all of your pics together are on your mobile device) and stow it away for reminiscing or masturbating later. Chances are, if you spent any significant amount of time together you will want to revisit the memories in the future, but in the present, your motto should be out of sight, out of mind.
Switch up your surroundings.
They say that distance helps heal the heart. Actually, I just made that up. Regardless, it’s true. If you can afford to go on a trip, do it. Whether you take all your besties or go by yourself, a change of scenery will be refreshing. If you can’t afford a vacay, buy new sheets and rearrange your furniture. The end of a relationship is a big change, so you might as well jump in headfirst and create a whole new life, starting with your environment.
Stage a social media freeze-out.
It is all too easy to stalk people on Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, Instagram, Pinterest, and whatever other social media soul stealers are out there. There is no way in Hell you won’t be tempted to stalk your ex, but you should absolutely refrain from that, even if you have to drown your iphone in a peach martini. There is no quicker way to drive yourself crazy, and to convince them the you are crazy than to try and keep track of every slut that throws herself at him vagina-first.
Delete their phone number.
I know you will probably hesitate to do this, but if you really, really need to contact your ex, I promise you will find a way to do it, even if you have to stand outside their apartment singing lullabyes topless. Having access to their phone number will only prompt you to drunk text. Save yourself the embarrassment and hit the delete button. Unless of course you are me, and your exes number reappears after you sync your phone.
Rebound as soon as you are emotionally stable.
Rebounding is a necessary step to getting over someone. The only qualification your rebound requires is physical attractiveness. In fact, it works best if their only redeeming characteristic is their hotness. That way, you will be a lot less tempted to fall into the trap of thinking you are in another relationship, and you won’t wake up one day and realize that you hate your rebound more than you hate yourself.
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