Reasons NOT To Marry Your Best Friend

People always love to say that they married their best friend. While I admit there are some appealing aspects to this, I also kind of believe that these people are full of sh!t. I have known my oldest best friend for over 20 years, and marrying him is the last thing I would ever do. In fact, the idea disgusts me. I love him more than life itself, and will undoubtedly spend the rest of my life with him, but marriage? Hell no!

Here are the reasons why:

I am not sexually attracted to my best friend. The reason best friends become your friends in the first place is because you are not sexually attracted to them. Think about your best girlfriend for a second, and ask yourself if you would marry her if she was born with a penis. If your answer is yes, that is perfectly all right, but in that case she never would have become your best friend. She would have, in fact, been your boyfriend. There’s a diff, ladies.

My best friend is allowed to call me bitch in public. In fact bitch is the least offensive of the words that my best friend is allowed to call me, out loud, for the world to hear. Can you imagine if your husband went around addressing you as bitch at restaurants and dinner parties? You might have to explain some things to the police.

My best friend knows all my secrets. They say that you should be able to tell your life partner everything, but do you really want to? I truly believe that you can never really know everything about someone, but I also believe that my best friend knows WAY more about me than anyone else. Do you really want your husband knowing about that time you caught crabs from a threesome in Cancun after 30 jello shots?

My best friends like doing the same stuff that I do. The reason we are best friends is because we have so much in common. I would prefer to have a husband that likes doing different things than me, so I am constantly pushed out of my comfort zone, and life doesn’t become boring and stale. Like golf, for instance. When I think of this sport, the first phrase that pops into my head is Fuck Golf, but for the right guy, I would try it.

My best friend has seen me poop. I know in any marriage it is an inevitability that one day you will see your partner dropping a D, but the goal is to delay that occurrence for as long as possible. My best friend has shared hotels with me so many time, we basically hold hands while we do it. There is no mystery there, and what is more boner-killing than that?