I’ve been thinking a lot about fate and soul-mates lately. First of all, I have to admit that I do kind of believe in soul-mates. The reason for this is that every significant relationship I have ever had, has happened as a result of a series of unfortunate events or strange coincidences. It was never as simple as “I met him online, we hooked up in a dark alleyway, and then got married.” What can I say? I’m a romantic. I believe that in some way, the universe will align and eventually send me barreling towards “The Guy”. Just to play the devil’s advocate however, lets examine the opposite side of the coin and look at some realistic reasons why your soul-mate would never find you.
1. According to the statistics I just made up there are 80 billion people on this planet. If there is only one person out there for you, then you are going to have to fuck your way through a lot of them before you find him. I suggest a full body condom and an all access pass platinum card to the STD clinic. You had probably better go ahead and get started, too.
2. With that many people, the odds are that you are going to end up with someone unfavorable. A good friend of mine who is completely racist against Israeli’s recently decided he was destined to be with one. So think about the worst possible match for you ( In my case a woman. With a vagina.) and begin preparing yourself for that possibility.
3. There are a lot of shady hoes in this world. Chances are, one of them is going to try and prevent you and your soul-mate from getting together. Maybe it is an ex-girlfriend or a really bitchy mother in law. Ask anyone that is married and they will probably tell you that if Fate and their Mother-in-law were to duke it out, they would lay money against fate every time.
4. You are probably an asshole. Maybe you are insecure about your looks or your weight. Maybe you just can’t bring yourself to love someone more than you love your chihuahua named Little Merkin. Maybe you think you should be young, single, and carefree right now and aren’t ready to tie yourself down. Whatever the case may be, when your soul-mate walks into your life you probably won’t be ready/able to receive him.
There are a million reasons that your soul-mate could pass you by on the street and you would never even know. There is only one reason why they wouldn’t.
That reason is faith.
So either get on board with that, and start believing or start hoarding cats, stretch pants, and cans of frosting for when you feel hungry and lonely late at night.
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