Every relationship reaches certain milestones, from the first time your boyfriend sees you naked and plows you mercilessly, to the first time you get food poisoning and he brings over warm broth, lemon scented air freshener, and an economy pack of Altoids. Eventually every relationship gets comfortable (if it lasts more than one night) and only you can gauge what is appropriate to do in front of your guy, and what is off limits.
New relationships however, are super-fragile, like a newborn baby or Kanye West’s ego. In the beginning of a love affair both parties are still insecure and looking for reasons to bolt, so I suggest you don’t give your boyfriend any unnecessary ammo. Here are eight things you shouldn’t do in front of your new boyfriend unless you want to remain #ForeverAlone.
Talk about your ex- No matter how close you are to your previous piece, it is totally inappropriate to talk about him or her in front of someone new. Why, you ask? Because your new guy might be looking for any and every reason to jump ship, and nothing weighs a new relationship down more than signs of heavy emotional baggage.
Fart- I know a girl once who held in a fart for 8 hours to keep from turning her man off. She is married now. Coincidence?
Crap- The problem with bowel movements is that you never know what you are going to get. You could sneak in a deuce or two secretly, and leave the bathroom more spotless than when you found it. You could also destroy a toilet completely, and cause more damage than Hurricane Katrina. Since taking a dump is so unpredictable, its best to refrain if at all possible. If you absolutely have to go, turn on the TV, run the water, and go into another wing of the house. That, or go to Starbucks like the rest of us.
Talk shit about other women- I don’t care how insecure you are, showing your new boyfriend that side of you is a bad idea. I know women are naturally competitive with each other, but talking smack about girls that threaten you won’t make you look more cool; it will just make him wonder why he isn’t dating someone less bitchy.
Insert Tampons- This may be a given, but I have heard stories. The only thing he should see being inserted into you is any one of his appendages.
Pick your nose- I am not going to be all snotty (pun intended) and insist that you use a kleenex, but if you are going to clean out your caverns just make absolutely sure he isn’t around. You would be surprised how many times people forget they are in public.
Remove Tampons- I know that what goes up must come down, but you don’t need an audience. Unless you are in sepsis from toxic shock syndrome while camping in the middle of the desert surrounded by coyotes that can smell your blood, you should never remove your tampon in front of your boyfriend.
Finger your butthole– A lot of women like anal stimulation (or at least my sister does, according to her) but doing this in front of your boyfriend will put ideas in his head. You should do the Christian thing and save anal for marriage. It’s in The Bible, look it up.[ via ]