Learning how to give the best blowjob is a milestone moment in everyone’s journey.
I am not someone who has had a lot of things handed to me in life. I grew up poor, gay, and secluded in a tiny town. So I realized at a pretty early age that if I was ever going to amount to anything, I would have to learn how to give the best blowjob. Granted I have also worked since I was 16, went to a decent college, and moved to New York City, but I would say my ability to give the best blowjob ever has gotten me much farther than any of those other things (shoutout to Indian penis!).
Not to toot my own horn, but I have had a decent amount of practice since my youth, and can say with absolute certainty that if it’s one thing I am good at, it is essing a D. In fact, I have been called “the king of blowjobs.” I have also been called, “a stupid bitch,” and “the town bicycle,” but I strongly feel that “blowjob king” is my proudest moniker, and I wear it with a kind of pride you can only experience after finishing a random guy off in under two minutes.
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So if you’re reading this, you’re probably a girl, and you are probably less than confident about your blowjob skills (if you’re a gay guy, stop reading and go practice for God’s sake). Here are five very important tips on how to give the best blowjob ever:
Use your hand! I can’t stress enough how important it is to use your hand. To a dick, your mouth basically feels like a less comfortable vee or bee-hole. There is a lot less cushioning, and teeth, to boot, which can very easily get you fired from a blowjob. So discretely spit into your hand when he isn’t looking, and jerk him off in a circular motion keeping your mouth at the end of your hand. I know it seems like you are jerking him off into your mouth. You are. That is how you give a good blowjob! Sidebar- if he is uncut, it’s less important to use spit, but it’s not a deal-breaker either way. This is important for monster white dick, Arab dick, Moroccan dick, Chinese dick, and all the other delish dicks out there.
Block your teeth. It’s a scientific fact that the only reason we have lips is to give good blowies. Whenever you are going down on your man, cover your teeth with your lips (unless he is watching at you, or course. Nobody wants to get a blowj from their memaw). Be very wary of your teeth whenever there is a dick in your mouth. It’s either that, or spend 9 hours in the waiting room of an ER, paralyzed with paranoia that everyone around you knows you aren’t good at drinking dick. This is “how to give the best blowjob: 101,” obviously.
Don’t vomit. True story, I’ve been vomited on, whilst receiving a blowjob. Whenever you are blowing someone, its very likely that they will try and fuck your face. This can be a very pleasurable thing, especially since it frees up one of your hands to spank your own monkey (or beaver, as it were), but it is also likely that your gag reflex will be triggered. Don’t be afraid to use your hand to keep huge dicks at bay, and pinch yourself if need be to keep from thinking about gagging. If all else fails, practice deep throating bananas until your gag reflex is as forgotten as Trump’s tax returns.
Fondle the balls. Light stroking, tickling, and pulling feels really good during a blowjob. When guys jerk off, most of the time they are doing something with their non-dominant hand, including squeezing the base, fondling the balls, or putting pressure on the taint. If you aren’t patting the puss, you might as well use your other hand to give some much needed attention to the balls. Plus, you can use their reaction to gauge the guy’s excitement. When they start to twitch and retract, your job is nearly complete, so speed up, and you might just be finished in time to bing watch The Crown afterwards. This is how you’ll earn the “best” in “how to give the best blowjob.”
Go for the hole. This trick should only be attempted by seasoned blowjob aficionados, but if you are comfortable with your man, or at least drunk and pretty sure you will never see him again, slap some spit on your finger, and play with his butthole. I have to preface this by saying that some guys aren’t into it, but if they are, it will be the best blowjob they have ever gotten. If you manage to get a finger inside, gently apply pressure to the big swollen mound (prostate) within. He will have the most earth-shattering orgasm of his life, and most likely, remember your name. Forever. Don’t attempt the finger unless you are sure that your beej-giving skills are on par with the sluttiest gay guy at the office party. There is nothing worse than a bad blowjob coupled with a wayward finger. Oh, and CUT YOUR FUCKING NAILS.
So, there you have it. I feel it’s my personal duty to try and help every girl out there learn how to give the best blowjob ever. Follow these rules, and your boyfriend (or the guy you randomly pick up during a sloppy happy hour) will worship the ground you walk on, and hopefully return the favor (although when it comes to eating vee, I have to recuse myself from that investigation).
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