The best revenge is massive success. -Frank Sinatra
1. You Have to Break Down Before You Go Up. I remember being told by someone I respect that you have to be broken down before you can really go up (and appreciate it), and while that always sat in the back of my mind I’m not sure that I ever really digested it before recently. I was walking along the street today with my headphones in on the way to Trader Joe’s for my weekly grocery fest and heard Curtis Mayfield’s Move On Up. I love that song. Everything about it is perfect- it makes me want to dance, smile, and move on up towards my destination (don’t ask me exactly where that destination is just yet). Somewhere around minute 4 it really hit me: struggling is always good. I started to think back on every single disappointment I’ve ever had, and I’ve had plenty, but they’ve all made me a better, more aware person. Specifically the struggle with my family.
2. Black Sheep. When I realized I was pregnant with my son, the first thing out of everyone’s mouth was “abortion.” And by everyone, I mean my family. Having a child at 24 with a man more than twice my age was hardly something my family was ready to deal with. My mother, father, brothers, grandmother, cousins, etc all said “just get rid of it.” The ONLY person in my life that said “you should keep the baby, it’s yours” was my grandfather, and I still wonder if it was really him or dementia talking. But I didn’t really care- Ben was my baby from the first second I knew he was growing in me and no one could tell me any different. Throughout the pregnancy I was reminded by everyone that I was making a terrible, foolish choice. I had my whole life in front of me and there was simply no way to continue to live as a functional human with a child. Especially not at 24 when I should be out exploring the world and *gasp* getting married. Even after Ben was born my family continued to cast their dispersions. They reminded me (although more quietly) that my choice was not in line with what their choices would have been, and that I had really screwed up. My son was beautiful, but somehow I was a disappointment. Being judged so harshly was awful. When I needed my family’s emotional support the most they were no where to be found. It took me a long, long time to realize that their harsh judgment was actually the greatest gift anyone has ever given me. Had I not been judged so harshly I might’ve become the same type of parent. I would’ve set expectations for Ben and not backed down from them until they were met, exceeded, and I had all the accolades to prove how conventionally perfect he might be. Harsh judgment taught me that the only thing that really matters is encouraging a child through endless love, support, and setting a positive example. That love and support will obviously be challenged by bumps in the road, hiccups, and unexpected circumstances… and of course, the occasional grounding, punishment, and “don’t even think about playing video games before your homework is done and the dishes are in the dishwasher.” But the most important thing is this: if Ben decides he wants to travel the world- I’ll be happy for him. If he decides he wants to marry someone I wouldn’t have chosen for him- that’s okay. If he ends up gay- that’s fine (less pregnancy scare issues, frankly). If he wants to be a punk rocker with purple hair and a nose piercing, I’ll tell him he looks silly and that girls don’t like kissing troll dolls but I’ll still support him. The moral of the story is, I think my kid has a good chance of being happy because of the disappointments I’ve faced… and I’d do it all again in a heartbeat.
3. I Made Biscotti from Scratch. At 7AM! That’s right. At the asscrack of dawn I was baking things from scratch. I started with a traditional recipe for snickerdoodle cookies, added an extra egg, some sour cream, and baked it into a loaf. After I let it cool I sliced it and baked it again for the most insanely delish thin-cut biscotti ever. This could be the most productive day of my life.
LOL on the troll dolls. You love him for who he is and if he wants to marry cruella you WILL say something. And STOP feeling like shit due to what other people say. 🙂
I dont feel like shit… I feel blessed that they judged me. It opened up my eyes:)
I like that attitude. 🙂
Have they stopped since yo gave them the beautiful Ben?
I love how free you feel to have fun, make fun and invite others into your fun. I admire you for putting it all out there, by putting yourself out there. I appreciate your realness and how you aren’t afraid to share your secret thoughts, hurts and life with us. You are an inspiration to many and no doubt a wonderful mother and businesswoman.
@samantha, thanks! it definitely still isn’t ideal, but i’ve become a lot closer with some of my cousins as a result. and, like i said, i think i’ve become a much better parent… i feel lucky:)
@fellinilover, Someone I respect very much told me that life is all about stepping outside your comfort zone…and that your best results come from sharing beyond what you think you’re capable of (emotionally, financially, whatever). Since h…e told me this (last summer), I’ve been making an effort to do just that… and I think he’s right so far:)
Thank you for always being supportive and awesome!!!!
…sometimes it’s that one’ Grandparent (usually of the opposite sex) < that has the greatest INSIGHT– into your life…(should spend time with them– before it's to late).
i love you so much and think you have the best head on your shoulders. ben is so lucky to have you. and so am i. thanks for always being so honest. You really are a very special woman.