If you are human, have a sex drive, and are anywhere between the ages of 18 and 45 there’s a good chance you’ve sexted at least once this week. In fact, the age group is probably broader than I just stated, and whether you’re single, married, or anything in between… well, you have needs that only your iPhone can fulfill. Here are some simple guidelines to save your (hot) ass from regretting those sexts:
1. Always make sure you know exactly who you are sexting. If the person isn’t saved in your phone book, that’s a sign they should never be seeing you naked or nearly naked. If you’re too drunk to input a name or number correctly, you need to get off your phone anyway.
2. If you’re taken, you should only sext with your significant other. Seriously, it’s still cheating if you send pics of your best parts to co-workers.
3. Sexting with gay men doesn’t count. It’s totally legit. Go for it.
4. Never include your face in any of the photos. That’s just dumb, and if you have a bad breakup or the person on the receiving end of the text is just a shmuck, you’ll be all over websites like shesadirty.ho (is that a real site? if not, it will be now).
5. If you haven’t properly shaved, waxed, or lasered you need to just put your phone down. 70’s porn is NOT acceptable.
6. If you are sexting your spouse (that’s kinda hot, good for you, old people!), make sure you make the setting exciting. Don’t take a photo of yourself doing something totally hot whilst you lay in a pile of unfolded laundry. Mood killer.
7. If you have your period, just stop. There is nothing sexual about this. You are bloated and cranky. You have a tampon string. He shouldn’t be touching you anyway. Anything you really need to text can wait a few days. If he’s not going to be there in a few days, he’s simply not the right person to have these photos anyway. Don’t make me repeat myself.
8. Even though your face won’t be in the photo, smile. Happy faces = happy bodies. You know, it’s like when you do a phone interview and you’re supposed to smile even when the other person can’t see you. Same deal.
9. Wear cutesy underpants. If you’re not wearing cutesy underpants, don’t bother. You’ll do more harm than good if you’re wearing color-faded granny panties from your 2004 Victoria’s Secret collection, normally reserved for your laziest days.
10. If you don’t know the other party’s last name, your phone needs to be confiscated by a more responsible party.
That is all. Happy sexting.