Jessica Simpson: Seriously?

Written by Emily

Hey Jessica.  What the crap is wrong with you???  I really mean this in the nicest way.  I just don’t get you, at all, even a little.  When first watching the Newlyweds way back in 2003, I never would have thought your life would end up this way.  With your cute retarded statements about Chicken of the Sea and Buffalo wings (I’m not going to go any further because that was crammed down everyones throats enough), this was probably the peak of your celebrity stardom.  I bet you are a genius under it all really.  Are you Jessica?  Are you really a friggin genius?!  You bang the hottest dudes (at the time) and you were a virgin when it was cool (but I still think I heard you took it in the butt, did you at least save it for marriage??), your dad is kind of a creep-o, yet you and your sister turned out ok.  You must be all sorts of smart right!?

Picture 10

Oh ya, whats with this perma-duckface?  You actually like this look!?  No one else does.  Trust me.  There’s a whollleeee website dedicated to why that look sucks.  Here it is. Also, I am adding a side-by-side picture of you normal vs. duckface.  Not cute.

Cute vs. Not Cute

I digress, so lets move on.  Your music was never that awesome, I think you know this.  You never were as famous as Britney or Christina, you even got turned down to be a part of that KILLER Mickey Mouse club! When that would have stopped most people, you kept on going!

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My how the semi famous have semi fallen.  Your dating track record is like a Who’s Who of “who can I do to get me back?!”  Just stop that.  You dropped Nick Lachey at a good time, he even got dumped by Vanessa Minillo (plus +1 for you, girlfriend).  You also tried some acting, just stop that too.  I mean you were at a Major Movie Star, but that was just your movie.  That went straight to DVD.  *cough cough*

Major Movie Star?

Major Movie Star?

So, you got dumped by Tony Romo, again a couple weeks ago.  That really sucks and I am sorry, but what’s the first thing you should NEVER do when you get dumped?!  Go back to the ex.  What is double worse is going back TWO exes.  For fucks sake Jessica, I log into InTouch Weekly today and what do I see?!  That you are hoe-ing it up with John Mayer.  Yeah hes hot in a “I make sex faces when I play guitar” kinda way, but hes done you wrong.  WAY wrong.  Learn the lesson here.  Don’t do your ex.  EVER.  Please go get yourself a cupcake and just reflect on your life.  I say take a vacation, stick to the hair extentions, your shoes (which actually are kinda cute) and QVC the shit out of it.  Get your paper, and just stop being retarded.

About the author


a native New Yorker with an enormous brain that's on a never-ending quest for high style, men with accents, and any place with a disco ball. Fastest way to her heart is a guy that loves sushi and knows the difference between "there," "their," and "they're."

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