Relationship Spotting: Relationships Versus Complacenships

Written by Gary

We get into relationships with people for a variety of reasons. Maybe we are lonely, and just want some companionship. Perhaps we are horny, and just want to fuck around with the same person so we don’t get some horrible disease like AIDS or pregnancy. Maybe we meet someone truly remarkable and can’t bear to think of our lives without them. Getting into relationships isn’t what we are discussing here today. Today, we are talking about getting out of relationships.

A complacenship is a relationship that has lived on past its due date, but unlike sour milk, you can’t just pour it down the drain. A complacenship happens when you get so caught up in your relationship that you become complacent, and don’t realize how much you hate your life. Here is how to tell if you are in a complacenship:

Your sex life is so routine, you get more excited about your yeast infections. You know every single move he is going to make before he makes it, but you would almost rather finger yourself, because at least afterwards your finger won’t ask you to make it a sandwich. If you have slept through sex with your partner, you are probably in a complacenship.

Every time you fight, your default maneuver is to break up. Even if all he did was get one droplet of urine on the toilet seat, you fly into defcon 5 mode and use it as evidence that you aren’t compatible. Your urine flows in a steady stream without any rogue sprinkles, and his goes all haywire, like Helena Bonham Carter’s closet. If you are using petty things like urination as evidence that you aren’t right, you are probably in a complacenship.

You can’t go out with your friends without constant text check-ins. Ever been out with your girls about to do a shot off one of their labias, when your whiny boyfriend texts to ask you to bring him some beef jerky and a Snickers? When people get into complacenships they become unhappy. As a result they secretly resent their partners, and do everything they can to make them unhappy, as well. When good times out become threats to your relationship, you might be in a complacenship.

You have never admitted it openly, but you despise your partner. You may love them, and sleep with them, and attend social functions together like the fucking Obamas, but inside your rage is simmering and seething like Lindsay Lohans lungs, and once in a while during particularly bad fights it comes out in a burst of hatred and aggravation. Have you ever thought about the perfect way to murder your lover without ever getting caught? If so, you might be in a complacenship.

Complacenships happen when two people are no longer right for each other but they are so used to each other that they don’t know what else to be. Geminis, I have found, are especially susceptible to complacenships. Relationships are supposed to be exciting, fun, and adventurous. Of course all honeymoon phases end, but if you are with the right person you will love them so much that you don’t dare become complacent in the first place. There is no denying that relationships and complacenships are both work, but the difference is that in a real relationship (one worth working for) (one worth saving) the worth will outweigh the work.

If you are still confused, ask yourself this question: “Do I really see myself with this person for the rest of my life, or do I feel like spreading my legs up and down the West Side Highway from Hell’s Kitchen to an abortion clinic in Chinatown?” If you already know inside that your relationship isn’t working, then throw in the fucking towel and get back to life. Relationships are too amazing to be wasted by being complacent.

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About the author


Gary is the gay guy that every girl wants to be, and every guy wants to be with (Mostly because he can't get pregnant). He is based in Manhattan, but loves traveling to exotic new people, and sleeping with interesting new places. He is an adventurous writer, digital artist, and game designer that will try almost anything if it makes a good story.
--Instagram: @garyadrianrandall --Twitter: @gadrianrandall

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