Science Says, You’re Not Thin or Plump Enough

This whole time, I’ve been trying to figure out why I can’t lock a man down. Is it because I don’t call often enough? Is it because I watch I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here? I know… it must be the black outs. It’s the black outs, right?

It turns out I was completely off-base. According to science, I am just not little OR big enough to attract the opposite sex! A recent study showed that a group of 100 men consistently chose the photos of women averaging size 14 as the more attractive bunch when holding their weight up against supermodels (average there’s-no-such-size-as-that-so-we’ll-sew-a-pretend-label-inside-the-clothes-but-honestly-you’re-way-too-fucking-skinny).

So, for ladies anywhere in the middle, you’re pretty much fucked. Your boobs need to be a 36, your waist is not small enough (28), and your ass… you better work on that (pump it up to a 38 and then we’ll talk). If you are those exact proportions, you should have no problem getting laid. I mean it’s actually simple: fine-tune your bod until you look like Jessica Rabbit or Marilyn Monroe (who was a size 16). Obtaining those proportions is just A HELL OF A LOT easier than becoming a size zero, amiright?

Also, on behalf of men everywhere, please dye your hair blonde, remain clean-shaven at all times, do not use the bathroom ever, and bid your friend cellulite adieu.

That all being said, can I quit working out now?