This whole time, I’ve been trying to figure out why I can’t lock a man down. Is it because I don’t call often enough? Is it because I watch I’m a Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here? I know… it must be the black outs. It’s the black outs, right?
It turns out I was completely off-base. According to science, I am just notÂ littleÂ OR big enough to attract the opposite sex! A recentÂ study showed that a group of 100 men consistently chose the photos of women averagingÂ size 14 as the more attractive bunch when holding their weight up against supermodels (average there’s-no-such-size-as-that-so-we’ll-sew-a-pretend-label-inside-the-clothes-but-honestly-you’re-way-too-fucking-skinny).
So, forÂ ladies anywhere in the middle, you’re pretty much fucked. Your boobsÂ need to beÂ aÂ 36, your waist is not small enough (28), and your ass… you better work on that (pump it up to a 38 and then we’ll talk). If you are those exact proportions, you should have no problem getting laid.Â I mean it’s actually simple: fine-tune your bod until you look like Jessica Rabbit or Marilyn Monroe (who was a size 16). Obtaining those proportions is just A HELL OF A LOT easier than becoming a size zero, amiright?
Also, on behalf of men everywhere,Â please dye your hair blonde, remain clean-shaven at all times, do not use the bathroom ever, and bid your friend cellulite adieu.
That all being said, can IÂ quit working out now?