The Rapture Is Rapidly Approaching… Yawn.

Written by Steph

In case your invite went to Spam, the Rapture is in nine days. Get informed.

For the past few years, I’ve been under the impression that the world was slated to end on December 21st, 2012. And honestly? I was kind of cool with that. What incentive did I have to take out over 100K in student loans other than a looming date at which point social order would be demolished? Sure, I’m kind of young to welcome untimely death, but I’ve never been greedy about my lifespan. For some people, living to see your 26th birthday is an achievement. One I was looking forward to, thank you.

But here comes Jesus, determined to ruin yet another milestone for me. Seems Judgment Day couldn’t be outdone by Doomsday. Like the older sibling who has a whirlwind wedding to beat their engaged, emotionally-stable sibling to the alter; Jesus basically said, “HELL NO, DOOMSDAY. NOT TODAY, NOT EVER. PLANNING MY RAPTURE ASAP, BRB.”

And so it was. The Rapture begins next Saturday (don’t you hate when people plan events on the weekend? Like, hello. I work all week. Saturday is my time, Jesus.) I know Jesus hasn’t been around in over 2,011 years and has no concept of modern etiquette, but that’s kind of short notice for a massive event. We don’t really do things like that anymore. A head’s up would’ve been nice. Even worse, the Rapture will last for exactly five months. The world is dunzo come October 21st, 2011. Kind of odd that Jesus can respect the Christian calendar but not the pre-existing schedules of the Free World.

So. Nine days left. What are you going to do to prepare? I’m going shopping. I’m having a Rapture party in the Hamptons. Dress code: white.

About the author


a born-and-bred Brooklyn brunette prone to excessive alliteration. Follow her on Twitter @omgstephlol. Read more here.


  • I am pissed because I actually have to work this Sat. and of all Saturdays! Ugh. Usually I don’t have to but we are hosting our annual meeting at work. Most of the people are like 80 years old or greater so it may be a short meeting.

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