Listen, I know times are tough. We’ve all had to cut back. I, for one, have realized that things like $6 lattes and 8-block cab rides are what should be referred to as “luxuries,” not “necessities,” as previously thought. I’ve also decided that now is a great time to bring in some extra cash, be it selling off some accessories on Ebay, spending more time writing freelance, and auctioning off my virginity to the general public. Oh no wait, that last one wasn’t me. That would be the innovative idea of one Natalie Dylan (a pseudonym), age 22.
Dylan, working through the legal Bunny Ranch brothel in Carson City, Nev., recently stated that she has gotten a bid of $3.8 million for her virginity but has not decided whether or not to accept it. $3.8 MILLION, are you kidding me? That’s like, a ten, no- a fifteen-years worth supply of flavored condoms and anal lube. Dylan, you’re moving on up.
You wish
My question is, does the bidder know what exactly he’s bidding on? What if she showed up and it turned out he was taking the virginity of a 22-year-old walrus with bed sores and genital herpes (which I learned you CAN get even if you are a virgin – thank you sex ed!). The chances of a 22 year-old perky-titted, firm-assed virgin are slim to none. OR, what if said species did exist, but the bidder was an 82-year-old, three-nippled hermit who hasn’t left his house since his flight back from his tour in ‘Nam but now has a raging hard-on thanks to the Viagra he picked up on the way to swipe your V-card.
I don’t like the way this sounds, not one bit. So many things could go wrong! Think of the pressure on Dylan to perform. If you’re paying $3.8 for a lay, it better be worth it. None of the standard missionary, doggy-style that we’re all so used to could cut it. She better have some crazy acrobatic, gravity-defying, Cirque Du Soleil-style moves prepared. If not, watch out Dylan; You’ll end up laying sweaty and unsatisfied in a rumpled pile of classy synthetic “silk” sheets, sans your virginity AND your hard-earned (?) money.
Ladies, take note. There is a thing called dignity, and you should cherish yours like a rare, sparkling jewel that everyone is out to steal from you. That’s why when I offer sexual favors for money, I always turn down anal.
