Much like the unincorporated territory of Puerto Rico, Puerto Rican dick is shrouded in mystery.
Okay, so maybe Puerto Rico itself isn’t such a big mystery, but like, is it a state, or a country? I guess I’ll never know. While I may not know too much about geography, I know a lot about dicks. I’ve been with a few Puerto Rican men in my time, and been to Puerto Rico more than once, so I can write at length about how beautiful it is, and how the men are so charming they make my underwear disintegrate. Thus, I feel uniquely qualified to write this article.
So here are some TRUTHS and MYTHS about Puerto Rican dick, because you deserve all the knowledge.
TRUTH: Puerto Rican pubes are generally well kempt, and their buttholes smell like baby powder. Puerto Ricans like to take care of themselves, which includes shaving their facial hair into tiny lines, and giving their dicks a reverse Hitler (a tiny landing strip of hair just above the dick, that is, if they have any pubes at all). Puerto Rican dick is generally fancy dick by aesthetic standards.
MYTH: Puerto Rican dick is loud. The truth is, Puerto Rican people are generally loud. It’s because they express everything with passion, like many other Latin cultures. So if your Puerto Rican boyfriend isn’t hearing you correctly, turn up the volume. Use his dick as a microphone if need be.
TRUTH: Puerto Rican dicks are very respectful of telenovelas. So if you are the type of girl who likes to watch her soaps in the afternoon, you will never find a more respectful dick than a Rican. Of course, if you watch soaps in the afternoon, you are probably in your late 50s, and have sampled enough dicks to know this already.
MYTH: All Puerto Rican dick is metrosexual. Since they generally take care of themselves, many people think Puerto Rican men are all metro. I blame Ricky Martin. We all blame Ricky Martin for something though, don’t we?
TRUTH: Puerto Rican dicks have large extended families. When are are talking about dick families, it is true that Puerto Rican dicks tend to have a lot of cousins. This is a great thing when you marry into the family and love to eat, and a bad thing when you realize all your boyfriend’s cousins are hotter than he is. Rule of Thumb: You should only date your Puerto Rican ex-boyfriend’s cousins if they aren’t actually related at all, which is more likely than you would think.
MYTH: Puerto Rican dicks like wearing condoms, because every couch they ever sat on was covered in plastic. This is an insidious lie. Nobody likes wearing condoms. Print that. TAKE THAT TO THE PRESS.
TRUTH: Puerto Rican dicks often come with tattoos, which is totally hot. Surprisingly in Puerto Rican culture tattoos are looked down upon, unless of course they are a representation of Catholicism. You must admit, a buff Puerto Rican covered in lines from scripture and imagery of Jesus praying is enough to make anyone get on their knees.
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MYTH: Puerto Rican dick likes rice and beans. The truth is, they LOVE rice and beans. If you want to know the way to a Puerto Rican’s dick, the answer is rice and beans. Just don’t eat any yourself (before anal), or you might beef a big one, and blow his Puerto Rican dick right off his body.
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TRUTH: Puerto Rican’s have huge, uncut dicks. I know you were waiting the entire time to hear about this, and it’s true. From personal experience I know that Puerto Rican dicks are often huge, uncut, and more beautiful than the Puerto Rican flag on a hot summer day.
MYTH: Puerto Rican’s have huge, uncut dicks. Just like any other nationality, Puerto Rican dicks come in all shapes and sizes. I will say that according to this list on FactsUniversity, Puerto Rican men are #17 on the list for the longest dicks by country. So chew on that. Literally.
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