Today’s thoughts are brought to you by the preschool interview I attended this morning. When the preschool informed me that they have an intense curriculum of music, arts and crafts, clean up time, snacks, and French class all I could think was “shit, now I have to learn French so I can speak it with my toddler.” Thanks, Manhattan, for always raising the parental bar.
1) The Best Masturbatory Cream on the Market. Last night my son was at his dad’s house so I slept over my boyfriend’s casa uptown. When I got upstairs I went to the bathroom to wash up, take makeup off, and get in my general skin hydration routine. When I noticed that my awesome Elizabeth Grant Hand & Foot Cream had gone missing from the vanity I called out, “pookie, where’s my hand cream… the one with the orange cap?” Long pause. He responded a few seconds later with “on my nightstand.” What? Nightstand? He’s not the type of guy to use any kind of cream without my prompting, so obviously this befuddled me. I waltzed back into the room as if we were about to have some huge discussion about a patch of dry, flaky skin on his back or something but instead he looked me square in the eye and said “what? It’s excellent as a masturbatory cream.” Well, that’s true. I bet the camphor in the formula even tingles a little. We only have a couple nights a week together between my mothering and work schedule, so a good wrist exercise every now and then seems beyond reasonable.
2) Life is Awesome. At least this 3rd grader from Indiana sees things clearly.
3) Rie Has Seen Every Penis in My Life. Several years ago a tiny Japanese woman with ZERO English skills approached me in a totally random way. She managed to squeak out the words, “can i have internship?” At that point I knew she was lost, tiny, cute, unable to communicate much and resembled Hello Kitty too closely to be left alone in NYC. So I said yes, but more because I was afraid of what would happen to her outside my supervision. Rie, the little Japanese woman, has been by my side ever since. She’s incredibly sweet and basically family now. Today I realized she’s seen every penis in my life. She’s always around the office and our group of friends, so every time I’ve ever been sexted a photo of a guy’s schlong it’s obviously become a topic of office fodder. Everyone I work with has seen every schlong that’s ever come across my phone- and trust me, just about every dude I know has sent me a pic or two (most have been entirely unsolicited, shout out to Zac Cohen for being in that group). She also attended my son’s ritual circumcision (yeah, Jews do some crazy stuff). When I invited her to my son’s bris (the Jewish name for the circumcision about a week after birth), she was confused and honored. She was excited to be a part of this Jewish tradition she had never heard of, but could not possibly understand why on Earth we would celebrate with bagels and schmear. Truthfully, no one understands but we continue the tradition anyway because clean schlongs are great and bagels are even greater. She got right up in there with her little Sony digital camera though (jeez). Obviously she’s seen my current boyfriend’s penis too. She asked if he was “”a brack man” …I forgot to report this to him. I hope he reads today’s thoughts and feels pride.