This is an open letter, to a somewhat anonymous douchebag living on Manhattan’s Upper West Side.
Dear Dr. Jonathan,
You were a tremendous waste of energy. When you told me you were 43 and never married, I thought “Well, that’s unusual, but you seem like a nice, nerdy dude.” In the past, I’ve never been known to date nerds. Assholes, maybe. But they’ve all been successful, type A go-get-’em types. You, I made an exception for because I thought nerds = nice guys. Obviously my experience was limited because dating you turned out to be a big waste of time & energy that I’d rather devote to just about anything else (fly fishing, doing other people’s laundry, learning how to crochet, etc.)
I dumped you because you basically have no sense of values (which stupidly I thought you would have since you’re a middle aged doctor and hardly an Adonis). I thought that was it. I was pretty sure we were done communicating. Since our friends aren’t friends (mine are fun and interesting), we don’t go out to the same places, and I would never be caught ordering “spicy salmon rolls” at one of the best sushi restaurants in North America, I assumed we could just float away from each other and leave on decent terms.
But, no. You’re a bitter, twisted asshole. There are about 4 million women in this city, but of course you set your sights on my best girlfriends. After all, I never put out, so at least my friends should… right?  Thanks for trying to f*ck one of my closest girls.
I’m pretty sure it’s this kind of behavior that’s left you single, mediocre-looking, and not terribly charming at 43 years old.
Speaking of facebook, your status updates are super lame. I did, however, appreciate this one. “Super Freak” …considering you couldn’t kiss if your life depended on it (seriously, do you even own a tongue?), I think hearing the song twice in 24 hours was probably just a sign that you should invest in some porn to see how the whole sexuality thing works.
So, all that being said… no, my friends don’t want to f*ck you. Ever. And I would’ve preferred to leave this on a good note, but when you called me twice today to say “I don’t understand?” it really became clear to me that you’re retarded. I hope this open letter to you serves also as a public service announcement to the many women of facebook.
If a Dr. Jonathan _ _ _ _ _ _ requests your friendship, just know that he’s a douche. And will probably take you on shitty dates and try to get with your friends after you dump him.
Warmest regards,
Bryce Gruber
Holla, Bryce.
CHICKS BEFORE DICKS!!
whoa….
I’m still laughing. What.a.douche!!!
My cousin wrote a comment, rejected by you due to grammar. Ironic. But this site and the letter above is childish. It is also libel/slander, especially given that there are references to a specific, identifiable person on facebook. I’m going to try to contact the guy referred to in this diatribe and see if he would like me to arrange to have all owners of your blog site sued for slander/libel. I’ve fairly unlimited financial resources and given the defensive, odd email u sent to my cousin Gary (which he forwarded to me), well I’ve “heard” we have a great case. Call me an “ombudsman of the Internet”. You folks are in a heap of trouble. See all of you in court. Win
Cool, me too. Bring it, baby:)
@ Farnsworth: Using your “fairly unlimited financial resources” to harass our young blogger might be considered “malicious abuse of process” by some. Maybe your stable of attorneys can give you a brief overview of that tort after they’ve briefed you on why Ms. Gruber’s statement do not rise to the level of libel.
The only thing childish is the actions of this grown man mentioned in the letter above. I only WISH the writer was able to identify this asshole. I’m a fan of this site and Bryce. The woman writes(her opinion) about dildos,dating,weird sexual practices,relationships and men,so I am guessing you’re new to this site. WF–I’m no legal eagle like yourself(ha,ha,ha) but my Inspector Colombo instincts tell me that maybe just maybe, you might know this mystery man. 😉
@WF… You’re TORTally getting served right now.
WOW! Two amazing douchebags for the price of one! This is an epic win! First, the douche the post is about and then a harassing douche who calls himself Win! This is why I LOVE This blog! 🙂
I cried with laughter not just at the article/letter but the “endless resources” git, priceless just priceless. I wonder if your endless resources could buy you a pair of balls because you clearly have none if you had to resort to writing a “threatening” post on a, no offense, petty website. That shouldn’t be insulting either, considering its fact and sometimes the truth hurts.
I don’t think I understand quite what this guy did that was wrong? He may be boring, can’t kiss, etc., but none of those makes him an asshole, do they? And if he wants to try to date a friend of someone he’s already dated, can’t the other girl just say “no” if she’s not interested? If she is interested, everything works out okay. It seems to me like the author is just angry at the guy and wanting to lash out at him (understandable) because of a failed relationship. I’m really not seeing him having done anything wrong. The article doesn’t mention that he cheated, hit her, mooched, etc. He just wasn’t her type, and then he liked her friend (presumably).
PS – If he was lewd to the friend in some way not mentioned, that makes him sleazy, but the article should mention that, if it happened.