Restless Vagina Syndrome: TRUE

So your vagina hasn’t seen any action in a while?  Is it because you’re generally not as libidinous as the raunchy sluts in porn movies?  You probably have a serious disease: Female Sexual Dysfunction (FSD).  Don’t worry, big pharma will help you get your vaj back on track.

According to a Journal of the American Medical Association, 43 percent of American women experience some degree of impaired sexual function.  That’s right, about half the women you know are sexually handicapped. FSD sufferers experience decreased desire, arousal, sexual pain and/or difficulty reaching orgasm.  This disease sounds like the brutal torture that was only administered in the dark ages.

Pharmaceutical companies are here to help, though.  Of that 43%, many women don’t even know that their sluggish libidos were an issue.  And many don’t care (um, too busy getting divorces?).  Pharma companies are set to start pouring millions into campaigns that convince average women that “normal” ladies are having wild, explosive sex every night.  Listen, not everyone can have a Luxury Spot Libido.  Sidenote: lawyers reading, can I trademark that?

Basically convincing normal ladies that a couple times a week (or less) is the makings of a serious disease will allow the pharmaceutical companies to charge you $50-200 a month in pills like Pussalex, Vajerol, and Snatchaphen.  All available in pill form or intravenously. Ok, I made those names up, but I’m pretty sure by 2013 you’ll be able to get those Rx’s filled at your local Walgreens.

Pfizer and Procter & Gamble want your vaj to be at the top of it’s game.  Rejoice!  Excess testosterone is only linked to strokes, cancers, and dementia.

PS: Pfizer conducted their own survey in Malaysia found that Malay women are far more diseased than their American counterparts, with “69.6 percent experiencing some form of FSD,” according to the Journal of Sexual Medicine