Facts that you need to know if you are curious about pregnancy or reproduction.
Being curious about pregnancy is something that all men experience, whether they are straight, gay, or just sober. The process of female reproduction is a pretty fascinating subject. I have known chill pregnant women, bitchy pregnant women, accidentally pregnant women, and women who have no business bringing a child into the world. I also tend to binge watch those shows about women who didn’t realize they were pregnant, thought they were dropping some heat in a port-a-potty, and ended up with a newborn instead of a burning asshole.
To do my part to try and spread the truth about pregnancy, I thought I might share some knowledge with the world. Here are the strangest pregnancy facts I could find on the Internet. #Abstinence
READ MORE: 10 Strange Ways to Induce Labor Naturally
You could be pregnant for over a year. The longest recorded pregnancy was 375 days, and the baby weighed just under 7 pounds. Next time you are bitching about being a week late, remember that (I am talking to my older sister).
Male fetuses can get erections in the womb. Most baby boys get erections in the womb, and fetuses of both sexes have been recorded masturbating. But honestly, what else is there to do while you are in there?
You are more likely to have twins if you are tall. Women over 35, women with a family history of twins, and tall women all have a good chance of having twins.
Even after the pregnancy ends, the contractions might not. Chill out ladies, even though contractions aren’t fun, they are your body’s way of stopping excess bleeding. Push the morphine button and take a nap.
You will probably poop yourself. The muscles used to push a baby out are the same muscles used when you drop a deuce. If you are that worried about etiquette, take a page from the gay man’s anal sex almanac and do an enema before heading to the hospital.
Your water probably isn’t going to break in public. Even though it looks different on TV, your water normally only breaks when you are in full-on labor, after some bitch-ass contractions. In many cases, the doctor has to break your water, so if you are running around with extra strength maxi pads to avoid embarrassment in your third trimester, you should probably pay more attention to Google.
The largest baby ever born was 23 pounds. It died only 11 hours after birth. Even though this was in the 1800s, my point is, your 9 lb baby isn’t that special.
The baby’s father might show pregnancy symptoms. Weight gain, morning sickness, and abdominal cramps in your baby daddy are all symptoms of Couvade Syndrome, or a sympathetic pregnancy. Fortunately for him though, his asshole won’t look like Chernobyl afterwards.
You may gain up to one full shoe size. Increased foot size during pregnancy has to do with excess pressure on the feet, and relaxed ligaments in the body that stretch your feet out on the sides. On the off chance that your feet stay large after the birth, I know some great drag queen shoe outlets I could recommend.
Less than 10% of babies are born on their due date. 50% of babies are born within a week. So if you are freaking out that your baby won’t have the birthday you wanted, drink a glass of wine, take a walk around the block, and take solace in the fact that you might possibly be able to sleep through a night.
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