Things You Won’t Hear From the Neighborhood Cat-Caller

Written by Karina

Isn’t it time for your neighborhood caller to get a few new lines?

I’m dubbing 2012 a year of goodness. But I realize, goodness ain’t at the top of everyone’s priorities. Sometimes, it’s easy to get down about this. To let your commitments to positive thinking and not-getting-me-down chutzpah start to unravel upon contact with the world’s daily storm of bullshit. Case in point? The antiquated, seriously-it’s-so-old-it-needs-to-just-die form of B.S.: cat-calling. I could be in any sort of mood, a post Robyn dance party high or a tough-day-at-the-office low, but this is one thing that always feels like a straight diss to the heart. It’s an instant deflater, not a total one, but enough to drop my goodness barometer below comfort level.

Mostly, it bums me out because there’s so little I can do right then and there. A wise-ass comeback is only a bandaid, and there’s never time for an honest discussion. And since we can never know how the verbally incorrect person will react, fighting fire with our own fire is not the best remedy. How about humor?

I’m thinking these lines might help spread the spirit of goodness in the new year. Maybe printed on 3×5 note cards, for quick, non-verbal distribution? I wouldn’t mind throwing one out at the next person who throws a “hey baby” at my sweat-drenched face after a particularly intense hot yoga session. You have a beautiful day, sir.

Things You Probably Won’t Hear from your Neighborhood Cat-Caller

“Based on a quick scan of your body language, I’m fairly certain you’re not trying to seduce the men in our neighborhood today.”

“You don’t have to smile. Whatever makes you comfortable!”

“Is this power tool/shovel/yard rake super obvious?”

“Hey there. You appear completely capable of carrying your own groceries.”

“How are you doing, adult female who – I can’t be certain – but I’m almost positive is not a baby, or my baby, or from the looks of things, anybody’s baby?”

“I really like how you’re walking in the exact same way everyone is currently walking down the street.”

“May I take your picture? Here’s a simple disclosure agreement for you to sign.”

“You know, I cannot tell if a woman is lonely simply by how she is walking, smiling or not smiling, or squinting into the sun. But I can tell you that I am.”

“I’m only yelling like this because my friends are standing behind me.”

“Would you like to talk to me over coffee sometime?”

“What type of day you had is actually none of my business.”

“Can I give you my honest opinion? Those sweatpants are not even a tiny bit cute. And maybe you should have put just a little bit of makeup on.”

About the author


a coastal-hopping country-come-cosmo girl who can be found getting her feet dirty all around Brooklyn and writing all over the Internet. She is the probably lovechild of Jay-Z and Dolly Parton. Follow her on Twitter @karinabthatsme

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